Why all Mums need a Support Network

Recently, I've been reading 'The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World' by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. In the first chapter, they discuss the value of being in a community and how 'that sense of belonging increases one's happiness'. This really resonated with me as a first time Mum because I've had to rethink my role and value in life.

One of the first challenges I faced in the initial weeks of looking after Ethan, was the fact that although both my family and Craig's family were wonderfully supportive, they lived very far from us. And this is a situation that lots of new Mums face. Some of their families are even overseas which presents great challenges for parents and grandparents alike. My Mum advised me to get out of the house and encouraged me to remain engaged with my local network of friends. She recounted once that she got very depressed just after giving birth to my sister Sharlene, which coincidentally was not long after she moved to Australia permanently from Malaysia. She has since lived in Cairns for many years and helped us to grow new roots, by always encouraging us to be active in our local Chinese community, to be involved in lots of extra-curricular activities and to look after each other as a family unit. As a result of my Mum's encouragement, I grew up with a rich and diverse network of friends and learnt how enjoyable it is to participate in community. I felt a true sense of belonging.

When I was 18, I moved to Brisbane to study for university. This new chapter saw the introduction of many new friends but it also brought great challenges. Between the stress of uni, the distance from my close-knit family and the upheaval from my Cairns community, I became very depressed. I took me a long time to find my feet and  what truly helped was the good group of friends that I made in Brisbane. It's been an incredible 10 years and we still keep in touch. Following my graduation, I found work as a radiographer at Greenslopes which gave me another strong support network as my colleagues came from all over the world and mostly had a great sense of humour! When I became a Buddhist 6 years ago, I discovered the wonderful resource of Langri Tangpa Centre and offering my time and service there was truly joyful.

As a stay-at-home-Mum, this has been a HUGE period of adjustment because suddenly, it's very hard to access the network of friends that I grew used to. I don't miss my job per-say because honestly, my work was fast-paced, demanding and stressful. But I do miss the people. I miss interacting with my great colleagues and I especially miss looking after my patients (even if some of them could be very demanding or uncooperative!). Together, the people at my workplace gave me responsibility and also a deep sense of purpose. I didn't realise how much so until I wasn't going to work!

Another tricky thing is that I can't attend a lot of the regular Buddhist classes as they conflict with Ethan's bedtime. He's still too young for me to leave him alone with Craig so I've not been able to connect with a lot of my old Buddhist friends face-to-face. Here, modern technology and facebook has been a bit of a blessing. It's helped me to keep in touch with the people I can't see due to conflicting schedules. Yet there is still something invaluable about face-to-face interaction which can't be replaced.

I've actually apologised to a few good friends who are Mums themselves because I didn't realise how desperately new Mums need other people to help. I regret that I didn't put aside my self-absorbed activities and offer them some time and company, to help smooth their transition into Motherhood. If you're not a parent yourself but have friends who are about to become parents or already are parents, give them a bell and ask them if they need some help or just simply, whether they would like to catch up! You might think you don't know what to do around kids or you might think they already have so much on their hands but trust me, what parents really value is adult interaction! It helps keep them sane.

To fill in the gaps as a First Time Mum, I've had to widen my network of friends and this is where Mothers Groups really comes into their own. There's a Mother's Group at Langri Tangpa Centre which is great, as I really needed to nut out issues from a Buddhist perspective. It really helped that a lot of the Mums also had babies close in age to Ethan which gave us a lot of common ground. Many weren't first time Mums either and their experience is a fantastic resource! I'm learning a lot from these amazing Bodhi-Mums.

The Midwives at the Mater Hospital also helped me to connect with a great group of women during my pregnancy. We were all having babies all around September and have continued to keep in touch, even after our babies were born. It's been great talking to these women about our diverse birth experiences and better still watching our babies continue to thrive together, just as they did when they were in our bellies. Even more unique, I joined a forum on www.babycenter.com.au for Mums who were having babies in September and quite unexpectedly, us ladies grew so close that we're now a group on facebook. It's hard to find a sincere online group as the interaction is markedly different from direct face-to-face conversation. However, this bunch of ladies are not only warm-hearted and grounded, but we share lots of laughs as we navigate the trials and tribulations of motherhood. The fact that we are scattered all across Australia doesn't diminish the sense of communal support.
 
While Mother Groups can never replace family, they've helped me to make great friends and I suspect, friends that I will keep for life. They've also reminded me of the value of community (both locally and online) and more importantly, how I need to instill that value for Ethan, so that he'll have the skills to gather a support network around him as he faces the inevitable challenges in life. In our 21st Century life, it's all too easy to limit our friendships to facebook or spend our time watching TV or just "going about our own business". Which might be fine when things are rosy and peachy but sooner or later, when the storm clouds roll in, that's when community really matters.

The current flood disaster in Bundaberg is a pertinent reminder of how important a helping hand can be. If you find yourself without a friend or lacking in a support network, well now is the time to join one. Support groups don't just miraculously appear. They require a bit of investment and effort on your part. That's right - you need to get off your butt, get out there and introduce yourself to a group you're interested in. And your community doesn't have to be big. Why don't you start small with something as simple as Finding Out Your Neighbour's Name? Yes, it might be awkward at first especially as you stumble to find common ground. And it certainly doesn't mean that you have to nag your neighbours or be all up in their business. But just a simple "Hello" and an introduction doesn't hurt. Or alternatively, introduce yourself to the woman who serves your coffee every day or from whom you buy your daily bread or vegies. Trust me, it'll lead to some interesting conversations that sure beats hiding out inside your house! Good Luck!

Yours truly,
Demi.