2013: A Christmas to Remember

For weeks now, I've been looking forward to the Christmas holidays. Craig was fortunately able to take 3 weeks off (woohoo for an extra pair of hands & eyes to help keep track of my busy & curious toddler) and it was much needed family-time for all three of us. This year, we spent x-mas with Craig's folks down at Coffs Harbour. Ethan handled the drive pretty well thanks to the various goodies stashed in his Thomas-the-Tank-Engine bag. He especially loved the pop-up books and the $10 mini Etch-a-Sketch we brought for him. What wasn't in my holiday plans was Ethan cutting his 2nd Molar.

Our first night in Coffs was a restless one. Ethan wouldn't sleep more than 2 hour blocks at a time and unlike home, his cot was stuck in our bedroom. Which meant NOBODY was getting any sleep. This is especially bad for Craig who doesn't get back to sleep easily. In the end, Craig gave up and left to go watch TV but that was when things got even more exciting... By this stage, Ethan had migrated into our bed as I tried desperately to settle him but unfortunately, our bed wasn't up against a wall like it was at home. Yep, you guessed it. The little tike rolled off the bed. In my delirious state, I picked him up, dusted him off and gave the kid a cuddle. He seemed well enough but was still whinging about the whole ordeal and I desperately didn't want him to wake up his Uncle, Aunty, Nan and Pa. I made the mistake of giving him milk to try and settle him and that's when the night went really downhill. Ethan threw it all up....

Long story short, here we were, two tired parents and a worn out toddler - changing bed sheets, mopping up vomit with towels while the other took turns giving Ethan cuddles to try and calm him down. And even when Ethan did fall asleep, I was so wired up with thoughts that maybe he had fallen harder than I originally thought that I couldn't sleep either.

The next day, Ethan barely touched his food and what he did eat for breakfast, he promptly threw up all over his Nan's lovely cream carpet which she had specially cleaned just for the holidays. At this point in time, Craig was close to tearing his hair out as he tried to contain the damage with paper towels. By the afternoon, Ethan's poos morphed into acidic green diarrhoea and while he ceased vomiting, he still had no appetite. So much for the crumbed fish & chicken nuggets which I'd lovingly brought down in an esky! Quick Craig, we need to duck out to the pharmacy for panadol. It is Christmas Eve after all and there was little chance of anything being open during the next day.

Christmas morning. Despite the dose of panadol, Ethan still slept poorly and required two changes overnight for his runny bowels. Oh, this was SOOOOOOOO NOT how I envisioned our Christmas. By the afternoon, his butt was red-raw from all the poo & wipes that he began to cry every time we changed him. Since he was also chewing on his fingers and toys, I assured Craig that this was all simply teething but that night, I hoped I was right and my son hadn't picked up Gastro. Please don't let it be Gastro... Please Not Please No...

Thankfully, Ethan cut his molar on boxing day. Although he was still crying, still grumpy, still whinging and pooing liquid, there was nothing more reassuring than feeling that hard white tooth poking through those angry red gums. Brownie Points for my Mummy Instincts! Let's crack open the Moscato and Baileys!

Despite the craziness of our Christmas, it was still good to spend it together as a family. It's only after enduring the hard, difficult times together that I truly appreciate the precious moments. Like Ethan's cheeky grin after his tooth cut. Or the way he smashed down rice & black bean beef like a man who'd been starved for months. And let's not forget his enthusiastic side-to-side butt sway as he danced to the Wiggles. Now that's my kind of Christmas.

Cheers everyone. May 2014 bring more sleep, more teeth, and probably more nappy changes.

Brewing Spicy Chai Tea

It's with great fondness that I remember being introduced to my first cup of Chai Tea. It was my first Tara Puja at Langri Tangpa Centre, Brisbane. Back then, I'd only begun to explore Tibetan Buddhism and that Puja opened up a whole new way of life for me. After an hour of chanting, prayer and multiple mandala offerings, the gathering paused for hot Chai Tea and everyone shared their dedications for those in need, those who were sick and many sentient beings currently facing great obstacles. As we all nursed our cups of hot chai, there was a sense of communal sharing and well-being. This is a slight variation on the chai tea offered at Langri Tangpa Centre.

You will need:

• 1 Small saucepan
• 1 Tea Strainer
• 1.5 Tablespoons Alchemy Chai Elixir Syrup
• 1 Tablespoon Your favourite loose leaf Chai Tea
• 1 Cup Pure Soy Milk (you want to use the best soy milk available. Diluted soy milk just doesn't do your chai justice!)
• ¼ Cups Water
• 1 Your favourite Cup / Mug

 

Combine the Chai Elixir, Soy Milk, Water & Loose Tea Leaves in your mug. Feel free to use more or less Chai Elixir, for a sweeter or milder chai. 

 

Pour the mixture into your saucepan and simmer on low heat for 5 mins. Don't leave your chai unattended. You don't want it to burn!

 

When the chai starts to steam and you see bubbling at the edge of the saucepan, you know it's ready to take off the heat. 

 

This is an important step: pour the chai mixture from saucepan into your cup, then back from the cup into the saucepan. Repeat this 5 times. What you're doing is aerating the Chai Tea and it'll taste delicious.

 

Lastly, pour the mixture through your tea strainer into your mug. It should be nice and bubbly from the aeration. 

And now your Chai Tea is ready to enjoy. I hope you like this delicious recipe as much as I do. But just between you and me; Chai Tea will always tastes better at the Puja celebrations at Langri Tangpa Centre. Probably because it's offered first to the Buddhas and you share it with the wonderful folk of Langri Tangpa Centre. Cheers!

 

Essential Buddhism for Parents: Loving-Kindness

So your baby is suffering from colic or cutting his new tooth. You've tried a bath, distractions, a baby massage, singing that favourite lullaby (or better yet, your favourite mantra OM MANI PADME HUM) and you've even given panadol. Yet still your child is unhappy and you're both equally exhausted and close to tears. What's left for a Buddhist Parent to do? While we all know that even illnesses are impermanent, it sure doesn't feel like it when your little one is distressed. You want to do everything you can to soothe them and hopefully help everyone get some sleep. Believe it or not, this is the perfect time to pull out your Buddhist-Parent-Toolkit and open it. In this marvellous bag of hands-on practices, there are many tools available to you. While they don't guarantee instant remedies, what they do offer is a whole lot of emotional healing to a family in crisis-mode. For this post, we're going to focus on: Loving-Kindness. This practice is more than a soother for distressed-babies. It's also great for calming busy-anxious Mums & Dads, especially if you're having trouble getting to sleep.

Loving-Kindness

Have you ever paused to observe what happens to you, when your baby gets really distressed and cries? I've noticed that my body "braces" and ever so subtly, I resist against the crying. I don't like the sound of my baby crying. Even emotionally, I'm battening down the hatches as if a category 5 cyclone is about to hit town. Mentally, I immediately wish I was anywhere but here, right now, with this whole unpleasant episode. However this kind of reaction is problematic. After all, how can my baby relax if his own Mother is resisting against this unpleasant situation? And if Mummy is resisting, then what does baby do? He resists as well. So now you have two unhappy people, both wishing things were different and of course, the third wheel in the situation: Aversion.

Loving-Kindness is a very simple, yet beautiful practice that allows you to lean into the discomfort of a situation (ie crying, distressed baby) and open your heart. Little by little, you learn to gently hold the suffering of your child with tenderness and compassion. And this kind of tender-hearted holding is so invaluable. Not only are you teaching your baby that they are safe, even when they're not feeling their best, but it can mean the difference between a rough night or a horrendous night.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless. ~ Mother Teresa

One of the easiest ways I've found to practice Loving-Kindness is to use a little phrase which you can quietly repeat to yourself or even sing to your baby. I use four lines, which I adapted from the wonderful book: "Mindful Birthing: Training the Mind, Body, and Heart for Childbirth and Beyond" by Nancy Bardack.

May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be at peace.
May you be at ease.

I will often sing this to Ethan when he's upset and needs help settling. In fact, I've already used this practice twice tonight when he woke from his sleep especially unsettled. The words themselves are not so important, although they should remind you of what you're trying to achieve: an open, gentle heart. I chose these words because they resonated well with me and allowed me to tap into my loving-kindness, so I can send it to my son. As I sing these words, I really do wish all these things for him and more. It helps me to let go of my resistance and to relax into the situation, as it is, without judgement, resistance or my own agenda. My son and I are finally free to just be present with whatever is troubling him. Being present doesn't mean that his distress immediately goes away. But I can often feel his body relaxing against mine when the loving-kindness releases me from my own tension. More importantly, loving-kindness brings us into the present and there's a certain spaciousness that comes with that. I can see the situation clearly when previously, my wisdom was clouded by resistance. This offers me the chance to take appropriate action and make the best of things.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. ~ His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama

There have also been many nights where I've been so wired from disrupted sleep that I found myself unable to relax. Even though I was dead-tired, I just couldn't let myself sleep. Loving-kindness is also great for this. I repeat those very same words to myself and wish myself well. This can often be hard for Mums. We spend so much time putting our baby and family members first, that we rarely put aside time to put ourselves first. I'm re-learning how dangerous this can be. On Monday, I had a sore throat and didn't think too much of it because I had to care for Ethan. It wasn't until Thursday that I finally dragged myself to the GP only to discover that I had severe tonsillitis. Loving-Kindness has room for everyone, especially for ourselves! It's dangerous to try and take care of others when we don't even take care of ourselves. So don't be afraid to offer yourself some loving-kindness. We deserve it as much as our babies. After all, we were once babies too.

When you have time, you can expand this practice by thinking of other Mums who are going through their own difficulties as they care for their children. As you repeat the lines of loving-kindness, open your heart and wish the best for them. I like to think of this as "tapping into the universal resevoir of parenthood" which is an inexhaustable source of love. I let my imagination go riot and I'll imagine all the problems of other parents disappearing and big smiles of relief & peace spreading across their faces. I'll think of patients in hospital, animals who are suffering, people who are alone with mental illness, or even a friend who might be going through some difficulty. There are always people in need of loving-kindness and while you cannot make their problems disappear, just the very wish that others could be happier is something the world desperately needs. Not only will it bring peace to your heart but it brings healing to those who need it.

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. ~ Helen Keller

Buddhist Parents sometimes despair that they don't have time for formal sitting. While that can be true, we are blessed with a multitude of situations where we can practice Buddhism that's all hands-on, baby-in-arms or on-hip, one dirty nappy at a time. This practice is raw, merciless & relentless yet exquisitely rewarding. It's just a matter of recognising the opportunity and remembering to practice.

Do you have a variation of loving-kindness that you practice as a parent? What are your experiences? And if you haven't tried this practice yet, please do and tell me how you go. I wish you joy in this beautiful practice and may it bring peace to your mind and that of your baby.

Yours truly,
Demi.

A Mindfulness Retreat in Teething

Zen Master Ethan: aged 9.5 months

For the last few days, my Zen Master (aka son Ethan, aged 9.5months) has been teething. By day, you wouldn't notice anything different. He goes about his play, flashes us his trademark grin before crawling with glee towards a toy/target of choice. But as the afternoon draws closer, there are cracks in the Zen Master's facade. He fights his naps with unhappy grizzling. He even pushes away his bottle or the spoon of baby puree (a sure sign that something is wrong because Ethan is the kind of baby who wolfs down his food with sheer zeal).

Things get worse when the dreaded 5pm rolls around. By now, the Zen Master is definitely Not Happy, Jan. He tails my ankles and tugs at my pants, wanting to be picked up. Um... sure if it weren't for the fact that I was trying to make dinner. So begins the game of distractions. Look Ethan, it's Peppa Pig! Look at this metal dish and plastic spoon - isn't it fantastic? Oh wow, we haven't played with the colourful plastic blocks for aaaagggeeesss! Then sheepishly, I sneak away and continue with making dinner (uh, where was I again?!) while my Zen Master frowns at the sad-excuse-of-a-distraction I've set down before him. We both know it's a poor replacement for what he really wanted - Me.

“Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor--it is best done in shifts, by well-rested people.” ― Anthony Doerr, Four Seasons in Rome: On Twins, Insomnia, and the Biggest Funeral in the History of the World

The mood momentarily improves when Dad walks through the front door. Both Ethan and I are grinning ear-to-ear (okay, I'm so overjoyed I'm practically doing a jig) as Ethan eagerly crawls for a hug from his Da-Da. The three of us share dinner but the excitement is finally too much for the Zen Master and he begins to lose it. He's finally buggered and since he's no longer playing and exploring the house, he's become all-too-aware of the bother of his new tooth. It's such a pressing matter that he cries for Mum (*sigh* yep, that's me) and Dad to fix it A.S.A.P. So dutifully, I pull out the children's panadol and teething gel and administer both, neither of which do much to placate the unhappy grizzling that's filling the small rooms of our house. I sing nursery rhymes, play quiet hand-games, look through picture books, (yep, I'm pulling out every trick I know and beginning to sweat as I dig dangerously close to the bottom of that bag) but still I can't get my Zen Master to sleep. Craig tries to calm Ethan down with quiet soothing words but our Zen Master isn't having a bar of it. He fitfully collapses into unconsciousness and it's not long before us-exhausted-parents join him there.

But of course, babies and their parents don't sleep when there's teeth on the way. It's not long before our slumber is shattered with an ear-piercing cry and one of us trudges out of the bed (whoever can find the most energy) to reassure Ethan that all is well. But this isn't one of those nights where a simple butt-pat and cuddle will fix everything. It's more of a process that takes anywhere from 30mins to an hour and when Ethan finally does go back to sleep, it's usually in our bed and he becomes sandwiched between his two zombie parents. When Ethan stirs and cries, we both stir with him. Even when he's sleeping, one of us will get kicked or unexpectedly flailed in the face, comical if it weren't for the fact that neither of us have had a decent block of sleep in over a week. Oh and did I mention that teething babies do a lot of diarrhoea poo? That normally wouldn't break me, until today that is, when I discovered that the poo had also leaked from his nappy and run down the inside of his pants. Thankfully, it was a Sunday and Craig was on hand to take Ethan aside while I had a teary sulk of 'Why, why me?'

When you can do nothing, what can you do? - Zen Koan

Maybe you're beginning to wonder where exactly my Buddhist practice fitted into all this? Sadly, when the Zen Master doesn't sleep, there's little energy to invest in sitting meditation. Instead, what I've discovered is that when your baby is teething, your practice is kicked into Hard-Core Mindfulness Bootcamp. It's 24/7 in mindfulness training and the reminder ain't no peaceful *ting* of a tranquil tibetan bell, but the loud, intense cry of your baby. In this bootcamp, there are no scheduled time-outs. You don't know when the meditation ends or really, when it began. You never voluntarily handed over your right to TV, your mobile or reading your favourite book or watching that TV show you liked. It kinda just happened and before you know it, you're neck deep in baby tears, poop, nappy rash & pools of drool. Caring for a teething baby is the ultimate practice for any parent yearning for Enlightenment. It exposes your flaws like no other practice and pushes at your buttons, breaking any pride you might have had in a matter of micro-seconds. You will have to draw on every skill you have ever fostered as a practioner - mantra recitations, sound meditation, loving-kindness meditation, tong-len meditation, sheer simple awareness and maybe even creatively invent an all new meditative practice altogether. And like all retreats, the breakthroughs are not always soft and gentle. There will definitely be tears. But there will be also be insights, to be gleaned at the most unexpected of hours.

And as abruptly as the mindfulness retreat began, it ends. The Zen Master finally sleeps soundly. A serene expression returns to his baby face. There is a glimmer of white through those sore red gums. Predictability once more makes its way back into our home. At least, until the next tooth makes its appearance.

To all the parents, carers and brothers & sisters of a teething baby, to all their neighbours too; may you have sleep. May you be happy. May you be well. May your hearts open in its own rightful time and supportively hold all in your household in the boundless compassion, wisdom and love of Buddhahood.

Until next time, lots of love, Demi.

PS - Happy Birthday Your Holiness!! Seeing your face on TV, Google & Dharma Books always reminds me to smile and be happy. You're a fantastic inspiration for joyous effort so Thank you!

Happiness & the Body

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Used with Permission from Cathy Thorne

Now before you get too confused, this isn't a post about Elle Macpherson. Rather, it's a long overdue reflection about my changing body. I look at my 8 month old son and I'm flabbergasted that my body not only helped to create him, but it housed and grew him for 9 crazy months. My pregnancy-memories are fading fast but sadly that's not the only thing disappearing. Gone are the days of a perky, elastic and unblemished pre-baby bod. Naturally, you don't create another human being without paying some physical costs. Other Mothers had tried to warn me about this. There was talk in the tea room about "How your body will never be the same again", usually accompanied by sad, almost regretful faces. Yet in the rosy-bliss of my pregnancy, I didn't pay too much attention because I wanted to enjoy my growing belly rather than stress about what would come later.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no urge to run to Myer and purchase the latest "age-defying miracle cream" or to "reclaim the glory of my youth" through plastic surgery. I accept that these changes naturally occurred so that I could bring my beautiful son into the world. But I'm also going to allow myself the time to grieve. In a way, I'm saying goodbye to certain aspects of a body that was once so familiar and instead, learning to live with new "body-mates". Goodbye butt. My body gladly gave up the fat stores when I breastfed but for some unknown reason, decided to hang onto the fat stores in my thighs & belly. Goodbye boobs. Not only are they smaller post-breastfeeding, but they're softer and actually need a bra when previously, it had been mostly decorative. And Hello Stretch Marks. I'm a Mummy-Scout who has earnt her stripes of honour, marking my passage into another phase of womanhood.
 
It's times like these that I'm so grateful for my Buddhist practice. Buddhism encourages me to think deeply about how everything in this world is impermanent, people and their bodies included. It doesn't matter how beautiful, famous, young or old you are; none of us are immune to aging and ultimately death. And as morbid as these reflections are, it really invited me to think about my body potential.

We know all too well the emphasis our society & social media places on a beautiful body. The message in TV Ads always seems to be: Buy this, it'll make you feel beautiful and then you'll finally be Happy! But is that really so? I did some thinking about the relationship between body and happiness. Looking back at my life so far, when my body was at its most "beautiful", was when I was 18 and deeply depressed. I had no appetite because of my depression and I was regularly doing pilates, because it was easier to lose myself in exercise than face the gray storms of my mind. Since then, I've discovered mental stability and happiness with the help of Buddhism. And while my body may not be "beautiful" by the strange standards of magazines or TV, I'm sure as hell happier and building richer relationships with the people around me.

Let's face it. I'll probably never look as hot as those nude women on Game of Thrones (honestly though, did I ever look as hot as those women?!) but thankfully, I don't require a sexy body to make a living or to be a fantastic wife / Mum / human being full stop! I do require a healthy body to sustain my life for as long as possible and to set an active example for my children. And if I truly want to nurture the qualities of wisdom, compassion, kindness & understanding in my son, then I better do my homework and cultivate those qualities in myself and quit wasting my life dreaming of an "ideal" body I could or might otherwise have. Let's hang up the body blues and do something constructive. Eat in moderation and with balance. Set aside time each day to exercise. And most importantly, spend the day connecting and loving the people around me.

Meditation & The Baby

As a Mother and looking back, I'm so grateful for my meditation practice. While I don't claim to have sat daily for the last seven years, I have sat whenever I could and allowed myself time away in Nyung-ne Retreats. Sitting on the cushion teaches you a lot about working with the unruly mind and uncannily enough, those skills are invaluable when dealing with an unpredictable baby.

When I first started sitting regularly, I was astounded by how busy my mind was. My mind was filled with thoughts of the past, the future and all my emotions. Meditation taught me how to welcome and handle this vast rainbow of experiences whether they were good, bad or neutral. As the wonderful meditation teacher Pema Chodron reminds us, "No Big Deal."

Now let's be clear; Meditation isn't about becoming indifferent to your experiences. Rather, meditation is about learning not to grasp onto your experiences too tightly because inevitably, they will fade away and a new experience comes along. It's a bit like learning not hold your child so tightly that he or she suffocates from your affection. Meditation is like this. You learn to hold your happiness, your boredom, your sorrows and your worries with the tenderness of a loving and accepting parent. You will always love your child no matter what moods or angelic/demonic behaviour they manifest. It's with that same affection that you hold your meditative experience.

It can be hard to hold a cranky baby with tenderness, just as it's difficult to embrace anger when it manifests in your mind. It's especially challenging when your patience is already worn thin by sleep deprivation, frustration and the wear & grind of daily life. What I learnt in meditation is not to fight anger when it arises. I've discovered that the more I resist, ignore or tense up around emotions or thoughts which I dislike, the worse those disturbing emotions become. Anger is a bit like a baby throwing a tantrum because it's frustrated. It's uncomfortable, it's not getting it's way, it's unhappy, life is just plain crapola. If you try to ignore the angry baby, it just cries louder and harder to get your attention. If you try to distract the angry baby without really paying attention to it, it just gets more frustrated and acts up even more. Before you know it, a painful chain of events unfolds. You become angry too (or in my case, lash out at the husband because you feel you can't get angry at the baby) and everybody's miserable as nobody is getting their way. Does this sound familiar? Been there, done that.

Ethan 3 Weeks Old

 But Meditation has taught me another way. First, I stop. While I gather my crying baby in my arms, I start by taking a deep breath. I touch base with the present moment and as I softly ask Ethan what's wrong, I allow myself the time to listen to his cry. I mindfully observe his facial expression. I watch to see what his hands and feet are doing. It can be hard resisting the impulse to simply leap in and just "fix" Ethan's crying but sometimes, that's not what he needs. Just like anger, sometimes what he needs is for me to pause and just listen deeply. He's unhappy. He simply needs to be heard. He wants to be held in my arms as he expresses himself. Once I've taken the time to listen, then I can decide on the best course of action whether it's changing an uncomfortable dirty nappy or helping him sleep because he's tired. Giving us the space to listen to each other is something I really value and treasure.

Speaking of baby-sleep, meditation has been great with this too! Sometimes baby naps (like meditations) can be luxurious long, other times they are short and sweet - a matter of minutes! There a nights when the baby wakes maybe once. This is comparable to those blissful meditations where your mind just rest peacefully in its natural awareness. Other nights, the baby wakes again and again and again - a bit like the mind that just can't sit still and richochets from thought to thought to thought... But just like those rough sittings, the best way to handle interrupted nights is not to get upset and complicate an already-difficult situation. It's far easier to graciously accept the night for just what it is: a rough night. Then you do the best you can to facilitate the most sleep for everyone in the house, even if it means the baby needs to join you in the bed. Fighting or wishing the situation was different is counter-productive and depressing. Then when you wake up, you start over, just as you start anew for every sitting.

And if you haven't started meditating and are thinking about it, it's never too late. Mindfulness practice is a beautiful introduction if you're a busy parent and lacking pockets of time. I highly recommend the book "Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child's First Year" by Cassandra Vieten. It's a great introductory book especially if you don't have any religious affiliations but are just looking for a portable meditation practice to keep you grounded throughout early motherhood.

So don't be afraid to cultivate your meditative awareness. Life is rich, diverse and filled with unexpected lessons. Each one of them will be worthwhile and meditation will help you (and continue to help me!) to discover how best to love.

11 Years In Love

Over the weekend, Craig and I celebrated 11 years together (also our 3rd Wedding Anniversary). When the big date comes around, you can't help but reminisce. What sets this year apart is Ethan - a living, grinning result of Our Love. These past 7 months has added a completely different flavour to our relationship, maybe because it's been such a testing time. The love dance gets far more complicated when there's a third person involved, especially one that is so dependent on both of us.

Ethan's birth deepened my appreciation of Craig. I will never forget how Craig was there for me throughout the whole of labour, how he never left my side and the look of pure, unconditional love as he held Ethan in his arms. But having a child is a little like falling in love. The initial lovey-dovey stage is all warm, fuzz & niceties. Then the hard work sets in. Little by little, our patience and resilience is worn away by broken sleep, the uncosolable cries of our infant and the general mundane-ness of raising a child.

So like many parents before us, we're clumsily wading our way through parenthood and doing our best not to trample each other in the process. And when we do, we sheepishly apologise and acknowledge what silly people we are. With a big breath, we start over and try again. And that's the important part. Forgiving not just each other but ourselves and being brave enough to start afresh.

As a Mum, I'm wired to put Ethan before everything else, including myself. Yet by the time you feed, change, put the baby to sleep, squeeze in some time to start a load of laundry (and if you're lucky, actually hang it out!), duck out to the shops for groceries, repeat feeding, changing, putting baby to sleep, and somewhere in the day, squeeze in a desperate trip to the loo, maybe even find the energy to shower while the baby's sleeping and put dinner together and.... OMG, all you want to do right now is have a hot cup of chai tea and fall into bed!!!

But... where does that leave your husband? Suddenly you discover that you've barely spoken to each other since he's come home. Sure you've talked to each other but does giving him an overview of Ethan's day actually count as nourishing conversation? Then before you know it, you're both in bed either wondering how much sleep you'll possibly get or simply too tired to care.

As the weeks and months roll by, it's easy to become resentful of small things like household chores that were forgotten or even empty cups left lying around. From my side as a Mother, I desperately crave "time-out from the baby" when Craig comes home from work but likewise, Craig desperately craves "time-out from work and people" when he opens that front door. It can be very tricky when there's a crying infant who simply won't wait and before you know it, you've said something horrible to your partner that you instantly regret! We both know it's the exhaustion talking but you can't always use that as an excuse. It's actually a dangerous justification for behaviour that can permanently erode your relationship's stability.

Upon reflection, I've made the choice to invest in my relationship, not just because Ethan needs his Dad but because I need Craig. Parenthood is a tough marathon but it can be so much tougher without a trusted friend to share in both the good and the ugly. I know there's rough terrain ahead for us. And yes, it will mean extra work to make sure our relationship is nurtured, maintained & healthy. But the way I see it, it's worth the hard work. This is not the time to put our relationship on the backburner. It's an integral component of looking after Ethan and our family will continue to thrive as long as we keep caring for each other.

So it's with a sincere heart that I write: I truly look forward to what the years ahead will bring for Craig and I. Whatever the future might be, it'll be a result of the decisions I make today and I choose to open my heart to all my family and friends; to give them the best of me.

Yours truly,
Demi.

6 Months Ahoy!

 

Hi Everyone! I know it's been a while but honestly, it doesn't feel like it. The speed with which the last 6 months has flown by sometimes does my head in. It seems like it was only yesterday that we brought Ethan home. Now he's a laughing, drooling, gumming machine. He's not entirely mobile but seriously, he's not far off. I know that once he masters crawling, it's all over - the house will never be the same again and quite possibly, neither will my sanity.

 

 

There's no doubt that we've produced a mischevious boy who has a great sense of humour. Our day starts early (6AM in fact) because that's when Craig gets up to go to work. Ethan's since decided that he wants to be up too (which means Mummy also has to be up...) and while I initally loathed the early waking, I've since gotten used to it. It's lovely sending Craig off to work and spending that time as a family unit. And Ethan has such a grin and manner about him that Craig often misses the bus, because he just can't tear himself away from the baby! I try to squeeze in some chores but I need to start being more careful as Ethan is an adventurous rolling machine. And despite the inability to crawl, that's not going to stop him commando-rolling across the floor to the destination of his choice... Not a bad plan until he gets himself wedged against furniture. It's hard not to laugh as I extricate his wriggling-crying body from whatever new awkward situation he lands himself in.

 

Sleep sadly, is non-existent. Around 3 months, we were getting all comfortable with 1-2 wakings during the night but then Ethan hit 4 months and it's gone completelye Sh*thouse. We were in 2 hourly waking territory and somehow, my body adjusted and we just got through the day but then... Ethan got his first cold two weeks ago. : /  As you can probably imagine, babies don't deal well when they can't breathe out of their nose. It was horrible. Needless to say, we didn't get much sleep and even fumigating our bedroom with vicks vapor drops did little to help clear Ethan's sinuses. It was the next level in parenthood. Since that awful night, Ethan's sleep further deteriorated into hourly wakings which is where we're at. Please please, may this phase pass soon!!

Despite the chaotic nights, Ethan is a very happy baby and a big one too. He officially weighs 9.1kg and my arms are starting to look as good as Michelle Obama's from carrying him, muwahahha! The same cannot be said of the rest of my body but the breastfeeding has taken care of the pregnancy weight so I can't really complain. Oh, Ethan has no teeth yet. And thank goodness... I'm afraid to think what would happen to the already crap sleep once we throw teething into the mix as well!

I can't wait till Easter. My Mum and my brother Aidan will be visiting for a few days and Ethan gets to meet his Granddad Paddy! It's going to be fun ^^

I hope you're all doing well and happy.  We look forward to catching up soon, if you don't mind the company of a toothless grinning baby.

Lots of love,
Demi, Craig & Baby Ethan.

Why all Mums need a Support Network

Recently, I've been reading 'The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World' by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. In the first chapter, they discuss the value of being in a community and how 'that sense of belonging increases one's happiness'. This really resonated with me as a first time Mum because I've had to rethink my role and value in life.

One of the first challenges I faced in the initial weeks of looking after Ethan, was the fact that although both my family and Craig's family were wonderfully supportive, they lived very far from us. And this is a situation that lots of new Mums face. Some of their families are even overseas which presents great challenges for parents and grandparents alike. My Mum advised me to get out of the house and encouraged me to remain engaged with my local network of friends. She recounted once that she got very depressed just after giving birth to my sister Sharlene, which coincidentally was not long after she moved to Australia permanently from Malaysia. She has since lived in Cairns for many years and helped us to grow new roots, by always encouraging us to be active in our local Chinese community, to be involved in lots of extra-curricular activities and to look after each other as a family unit. As a result of my Mum's encouragement, I grew up with a rich and diverse network of friends and learnt how enjoyable it is to participate in community. I felt a true sense of belonging.

When I was 18, I moved to Brisbane to study for university. This new chapter saw the introduction of many new friends but it also brought great challenges. Between the stress of uni, the distance from my close-knit family and the upheaval from my Cairns community, I became very depressed. I took me a long time to find my feet and  what truly helped was the good group of friends that I made in Brisbane. It's been an incredible 10 years and we still keep in touch. Following my graduation, I found work as a radiographer at Greenslopes which gave me another strong support network as my colleagues came from all over the world and mostly had a great sense of humour! When I became a Buddhist 6 years ago, I discovered the wonderful resource of Langri Tangpa Centre and offering my time and service there was truly joyful.

As a stay-at-home-Mum, this has been a HUGE period of adjustment because suddenly, it's very hard to access the network of friends that I grew used to. I don't miss my job per-say because honestly, my work was fast-paced, demanding and stressful. But I do miss the people. I miss interacting with my great colleagues and I especially miss looking after my patients (even if some of them could be very demanding or uncooperative!). Together, the people at my workplace gave me responsibility and also a deep sense of purpose. I didn't realise how much so until I wasn't going to work!

Another tricky thing is that I can't attend a lot of the regular Buddhist classes as they conflict with Ethan's bedtime. He's still too young for me to leave him alone with Craig so I've not been able to connect with a lot of my old Buddhist friends face-to-face. Here, modern technology and facebook has been a bit of a blessing. It's helped me to keep in touch with the people I can't see due to conflicting schedules. Yet there is still something invaluable about face-to-face interaction which can't be replaced.

I've actually apologised to a few good friends who are Mums themselves because I didn't realise how desperately new Mums need other people to help. I regret that I didn't put aside my self-absorbed activities and offer them some time and company, to help smooth their transition into Motherhood. If you're not a parent yourself but have friends who are about to become parents or already are parents, give them a bell and ask them if they need some help or just simply, whether they would like to catch up! You might think you don't know what to do around kids or you might think they already have so much on their hands but trust me, what parents really value is adult interaction! It helps keep them sane.

To fill in the gaps as a First Time Mum, I've had to widen my network of friends and this is where Mothers Groups really comes into their own. There's a Mother's Group at Langri Tangpa Centre which is great, as I really needed to nut out issues from a Buddhist perspective. It really helped that a lot of the Mums also had babies close in age to Ethan which gave us a lot of common ground. Many weren't first time Mums either and their experience is a fantastic resource! I'm learning a lot from these amazing Bodhi-Mums.

The Midwives at the Mater Hospital also helped me to connect with a great group of women during my pregnancy. We were all having babies all around September and have continued to keep in touch, even after our babies were born. It's been great talking to these women about our diverse birth experiences and better still watching our babies continue to thrive together, just as they did when they were in our bellies. Even more unique, I joined a forum on www.babycenter.com.au for Mums who were having babies in September and quite unexpectedly, us ladies grew so close that we're now a group on facebook. It's hard to find a sincere online group as the interaction is markedly different from direct face-to-face conversation. However, this bunch of ladies are not only warm-hearted and grounded, but we share lots of laughs as we navigate the trials and tribulations of motherhood. The fact that we are scattered all across Australia doesn't diminish the sense of communal support.
 
While Mother Groups can never replace family, they've helped me to make great friends and I suspect, friends that I will keep for life. They've also reminded me of the value of community (both locally and online) and more importantly, how I need to instill that value for Ethan, so that he'll have the skills to gather a support network around him as he faces the inevitable challenges in life. In our 21st Century life, it's all too easy to limit our friendships to facebook or spend our time watching TV or just "going about our own business". Which might be fine when things are rosy and peachy but sooner or later, when the storm clouds roll in, that's when community really matters.

The current flood disaster in Bundaberg is a pertinent reminder of how important a helping hand can be. If you find yourself without a friend or lacking in a support network, well now is the time to join one. Support groups don't just miraculously appear. They require a bit of investment and effort on your part. That's right - you need to get off your butt, get out there and introduce yourself to a group you're interested in. And your community doesn't have to be big. Why don't you start small with something as simple as Finding Out Your Neighbour's Name? Yes, it might be awkward at first especially as you stumble to find common ground. And it certainly doesn't mean that you have to nag your neighbours or be all up in their business. But just a simple "Hello" and an introduction doesn't hurt. Or alternatively, introduce yourself to the woman who serves your coffee every day or from whom you buy your daily bread or vegies. Trust me, it'll lead to some interesting conversations that sure beats hiding out inside your house! Good Luck!

Yours truly,
Demi.

Look Mummy: Hands!

Huggies Boxes: more than just a box!

Ethan's 17 weeks now and he's a real character. Since discovering his hands, Ethan loves handling new toys & textures. Inevitably, these always end up in his mouth! Even Dad's knuckles & hands get chewed. Everything except a dummy though. He clearly has a taste for the real thing and no plastic silicone / latex will do.

Mr E loves to smile and will crack a grin at anyone who catches his eyes. When I took him to our Mother's group, he was even trying to chat to the other babies but they weren't too keen on responding so he started chatting to their Mums instead! Yep, we got ourselves a talker. He's not too thrilled about being on his tummy but in the last week, he's finally started holding his head up.

We took Ethan down to our local pool for a swim to try to escape the heat. It was a brilliant idea because not only did we get a chance to cool off but he also had heaps of fun. It's definitely going to be something we'll do more of until winter arrives. Craig and myself are doing well. For a while, we've been getting better sleep but Ethan's (possibly) hitting the four month sleep regression so life might change. Never the less, we always take it one day (and night!) at a time and most importantly, spend as much time enjoying the good times along with the trickier moments.

Until next time, lots of love,
Demi, Craig & Ethan.

2013, here we come!

Ethan's Poh Poh made that stocking!

Hello everyone,

I know it's been a little while since I've posted so forgive me. It's been a hectic turnover from 2012 to the New Year as Craig, Ethan and myself spent time with our respective families. Mid December, we drove down to Coffs Harbour to see Ethan's Nan and Pa. Ethan was a little trooper and only started to whinge towards the end of the drive but hey, who wouldn't after being stuck in a capsule for a four-hour drive? I'm just glad our Mazda 3 has decent AC on that hot December day. Luckily, we were able to make the necessary stops to give both ourselves and Bub a break and a much-needed chance to stretch our legs. Upon arrival at Coffs, his whinges immediately transformed into his trademark grin as he met his Nan and Pa for the first time. His Nan was especially delighted by her first grandchild!

Ethan was fascinated by the family dogs, especially by their wagging tails! I think this only further cemented Craig's desire to get a pet labrador. Ethan also began using his hands which probably entertained me more than it did him. It's amazing as a baby clumsily discovers their hands for the first time. And the speed at which his hand coordination has improved during the last 3 weeks is just as remarkable! The human body is a crazy thing.

Ethan with his beloved Poh Poh

Before we knew it, the long weekend at Coffs was over and it was time to come home. While it was sad to say goodbye to Nan and Pa, the next day, his Poh Poh (his chinese grandmother) and Ah Yees (Aunties) and Ah Fu (Uncle) arrived to join us for our first Christmas. Every christmas, Craig and I have always gone our seperate ways to spend time with our respective families. This year, Ethan has paved the way to a new family tradition as we'll now alternate x-mases and holidays. So for me, this Christmas was extra special as I got to spend it with both my boys and my family.

Christmas Day was lots of fun as Ethan was spoiled by "Santa". We helped him open his presents from family and friends and like any other typical kid, Ethan was far more excited by the wrapping paper than the actual present! At least he'll be cheap to satisfy. We feasted on my Mum's delicious turkey / ham dinner and made it through the festivities, despite the sweltering summer heat. These days, Ethan hangs out mostly in singlets and his nappy.

New Years Eve was especially uneventful as we're now well and truly cemented in the family routine of putting Ethan to bed by 8pm. You think we would be partying it up after he crashes but sadly, neither Craig and I can rarely last past 10pm. Looking after him is exhausting! We do suspect we're entering the next challenge of kid-raising... Teething. Ethan has been gnawing at his hands like it's the only thing he's allowed to eat. Oh well, I'll keep reminding myself that the sleepless nights will be paid back in smiles of baby teeth! Wish us luck.

Yours truly,
Demi, Craig and Mr E.