Happiness & the Body

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Used with Permission from Cathy Thorne

Now before you get too confused, this isn't a post about Elle Macpherson. Rather, it's a long overdue reflection about my changing body. I look at my 8 month old son and I'm flabbergasted that my body not only helped to create him, but it housed and grew him for 9 crazy months. My pregnancy-memories are fading fast but sadly that's not the only thing disappearing. Gone are the days of a perky, elastic and unblemished pre-baby bod. Naturally, you don't create another human being without paying some physical costs. Other Mothers had tried to warn me about this. There was talk in the tea room about "How your body will never be the same again", usually accompanied by sad, almost regretful faces. Yet in the rosy-bliss of my pregnancy, I didn't pay too much attention because I wanted to enjoy my growing belly rather than stress about what would come later.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no urge to run to Myer and purchase the latest "age-defying miracle cream" or to "reclaim the glory of my youth" through plastic surgery. I accept that these changes naturally occurred so that I could bring my beautiful son into the world. But I'm also going to allow myself the time to grieve. In a way, I'm saying goodbye to certain aspects of a body that was once so familiar and instead, learning to live with new "body-mates". Goodbye butt. My body gladly gave up the fat stores when I breastfed but for some unknown reason, decided to hang onto the fat stores in my thighs & belly. Goodbye boobs. Not only are they smaller post-breastfeeding, but they're softer and actually need a bra when previously, it had been mostly decorative. And Hello Stretch Marks. I'm a Mummy-Scout who has earnt her stripes of honour, marking my passage into another phase of womanhood.
 
It's times like these that I'm so grateful for my Buddhist practice. Buddhism encourages me to think deeply about how everything in this world is impermanent, people and their bodies included. It doesn't matter how beautiful, famous, young or old you are; none of us are immune to aging and ultimately death. And as morbid as these reflections are, it really invited me to think about my body potential.

We know all too well the emphasis our society & social media places on a beautiful body. The message in TV Ads always seems to be: Buy this, it'll make you feel beautiful and then you'll finally be Happy! But is that really so? I did some thinking about the relationship between body and happiness. Looking back at my life so far, when my body was at its most "beautiful", was when I was 18 and deeply depressed. I had no appetite because of my depression and I was regularly doing pilates, because it was easier to lose myself in exercise than face the gray storms of my mind. Since then, I've discovered mental stability and happiness with the help of Buddhism. And while my body may not be "beautiful" by the strange standards of magazines or TV, I'm sure as hell happier and building richer relationships with the people around me.

Let's face it. I'll probably never look as hot as those nude women on Game of Thrones (honestly though, did I ever look as hot as those women?!) but thankfully, I don't require a sexy body to make a living or to be a fantastic wife / Mum / human being full stop! I do require a healthy body to sustain my life for as long as possible and to set an active example for my children. And if I truly want to nurture the qualities of wisdom, compassion, kindness & understanding in my son, then I better do my homework and cultivate those qualities in myself and quit wasting my life dreaming of an "ideal" body I could or might otherwise have. Let's hang up the body blues and do something constructive. Eat in moderation and with balance. Set aside time each day to exercise. And most importantly, spend the day connecting and loving the people around me.

Meditation & The Baby

As a Mother and looking back, I'm so grateful for my meditation practice. While I don't claim to have sat daily for the last seven years, I have sat whenever I could and allowed myself time away in Nyung-ne Retreats. Sitting on the cushion teaches you a lot about working with the unruly mind and uncannily enough, those skills are invaluable when dealing with an unpredictable baby.

When I first started sitting regularly, I was astounded by how busy my mind was. My mind was filled with thoughts of the past, the future and all my emotions. Meditation taught me how to welcome and handle this vast rainbow of experiences whether they were good, bad or neutral. As the wonderful meditation teacher Pema Chodron reminds us, "No Big Deal."

Now let's be clear; Meditation isn't about becoming indifferent to your experiences. Rather, meditation is about learning not to grasp onto your experiences too tightly because inevitably, they will fade away and a new experience comes along. It's a bit like learning not hold your child so tightly that he or she suffocates from your affection. Meditation is like this. You learn to hold your happiness, your boredom, your sorrows and your worries with the tenderness of a loving and accepting parent. You will always love your child no matter what moods or angelic/demonic behaviour they manifest. It's with that same affection that you hold your meditative experience.

It can be hard to hold a cranky baby with tenderness, just as it's difficult to embrace anger when it manifests in your mind. It's especially challenging when your patience is already worn thin by sleep deprivation, frustration and the wear & grind of daily life. What I learnt in meditation is not to fight anger when it arises. I've discovered that the more I resist, ignore or tense up around emotions or thoughts which I dislike, the worse those disturbing emotions become. Anger is a bit like a baby throwing a tantrum because it's frustrated. It's uncomfortable, it's not getting it's way, it's unhappy, life is just plain crapola. If you try to ignore the angry baby, it just cries louder and harder to get your attention. If you try to distract the angry baby without really paying attention to it, it just gets more frustrated and acts up even more. Before you know it, a painful chain of events unfolds. You become angry too (or in my case, lash out at the husband because you feel you can't get angry at the baby) and everybody's miserable as nobody is getting their way. Does this sound familiar? Been there, done that.

Ethan 3 Weeks Old

 But Meditation has taught me another way. First, I stop. While I gather my crying baby in my arms, I start by taking a deep breath. I touch base with the present moment and as I softly ask Ethan what's wrong, I allow myself the time to listen to his cry. I mindfully observe his facial expression. I watch to see what his hands and feet are doing. It can be hard resisting the impulse to simply leap in and just "fix" Ethan's crying but sometimes, that's not what he needs. Just like anger, sometimes what he needs is for me to pause and just listen deeply. He's unhappy. He simply needs to be heard. He wants to be held in my arms as he expresses himself. Once I've taken the time to listen, then I can decide on the best course of action whether it's changing an uncomfortable dirty nappy or helping him sleep because he's tired. Giving us the space to listen to each other is something I really value and treasure.

Speaking of baby-sleep, meditation has been great with this too! Sometimes baby naps (like meditations) can be luxurious long, other times they are short and sweet - a matter of minutes! There a nights when the baby wakes maybe once. This is comparable to those blissful meditations where your mind just rest peacefully in its natural awareness. Other nights, the baby wakes again and again and again - a bit like the mind that just can't sit still and richochets from thought to thought to thought... But just like those rough sittings, the best way to handle interrupted nights is not to get upset and complicate an already-difficult situation. It's far easier to graciously accept the night for just what it is: a rough night. Then you do the best you can to facilitate the most sleep for everyone in the house, even if it means the baby needs to join you in the bed. Fighting or wishing the situation was different is counter-productive and depressing. Then when you wake up, you start over, just as you start anew for every sitting.

And if you haven't started meditating and are thinking about it, it's never too late. Mindfulness practice is a beautiful introduction if you're a busy parent and lacking pockets of time. I highly recommend the book "Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child's First Year" by Cassandra Vieten. It's a great introductory book especially if you don't have any religious affiliations but are just looking for a portable meditation practice to keep you grounded throughout early motherhood.

So don't be afraid to cultivate your meditative awareness. Life is rich, diverse and filled with unexpected lessons. Each one of them will be worthwhile and meditation will help you (and continue to help me!) to discover how best to love.